It wasn't supposed to be like this.
Not now, not here, not like this, Rodney knows that. Carson is dead; gone and the pain of that is like nothing Rodney's ever known before. It settles in him, gripping him so tight he can't breath, can't think, can barely even feel. He'd prefer if it were harsh pain, tearing pieces of him away instead of this slow dark grief that seeps into his life uncoloring everything around him, until his world is devoid of any color at all. He's so cold, so numb, making him rethink whether he ever really knew pain before this. He can't feel the hands on his shoulders, the other body pressed against his, but he knows they are there.
Carson is gone, but Radek is here, and this is not the way it was supposed to be. Not their first time, not now, not like this.
When he feels Radek's lips pressing against his own, warm and firm, he fights it, tries to turn away. Tries to make it stop, although at any other time he would have welcomed it. Hell he's dreamed about this, but this is not any other time and things have changed, everything has changed. Part of him, small, feeble and torn wants this, wants this so badly. And people might call Rodney a selfish man, maybe he is, but he still pulls away. Because this isn't fair to Radek, so very unfair in fact and the man deserves so much better, so much more.
Strong hands grip his elbows holding him still, not letting him get too far away.
"Pro smilování boží, Rodney. He was my friend too."
Then Radek his kissing him, not just a brush of lips, but really kissing him, and Rodney's too tired, so Goddamn tired, to fight it. Instead he parts his lips, just a little, just enough. Radek pulls him forward, wraps his arms around Rodney's waist, leans against the taller man like he might fall, but his hands are strong on Rodney's back. They stand like that for a long time, huddled against each other, holding on, without words, and it isn't companionship, isn't even comfort. Not yet, Rodney thinks one day it might be, one day it might be enough.
Not yet, but soon.
* pro smilování boží: For God's sake
Summary: It wasn't supposed to be like this. Spoiler for 3X17 Sunday