Summary: The bus arrived in Porks n'Beans, Washington (population 2,904.05) at 8:17.25 PM.

Updated: 25 Apr 2010; Published: 09 Oct 2009

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Story Notes:
Crack fic fusion with Twilight (I couldn't resist). Rodney is Bella. John is Edward.

Rodney was being abandoned. Again.

His mother was running off with Steve, her new-[young-enough-to-be-Rodney's-brother]-lost-track-of-what-number-she's-on-now husband to go play baseball or some other crap like that out of state. Of course, since they were also planning on screwing like bunnies any chance they got, Rodney wasn't invited to tag along. That meant he was being shipped off to the end of the world to live with his dad until they got bored and decided to come home (or his mom got bored and filed for divorce...again).

It kind of pissed him off.

Granted, he hated Arizona with its Grass in the Front Yard or the Back But Heavens No, Not Both policy, the sun, the stupid cactuses and the rocks. He wasn't a big fan of the wildlife either or the brushfires, or the brightly-colored, big hat wearing tourists. Still, it was better than Washington. At least in Arizona you didn't have to worry about walking outside your house and being mauled by a raccoon.

Yet here he was, sore ass firmly planted on the sticky seat of a Greyhound bus, making his merry way up the map and into hell. He fell asleep a few times but was too paranoid that someone would slice his throat and steal his wallet if he slept too long to get any decent snooze-time in. When he did sleep though, he dreamed he was a passenger on the Barge of the Dead, on his way to Gre'Thor after being unjustly kicked out of Sto-Vo-Kor. No matter what he said, how many times he tried to reason with them and show them it was all just one big, fat mistake, the damn Klingons just wouldn't listen to him. It was terrible. So when he woke up and found a kid trying to get at his candy stash, Rodney felt completely justified in growling at him.


The bus arrived in Porks n'Beans, Washington (population 2,904.05) at 8:17.25 PM.

It was raining. How unusual.

Much like his cat, Rodney did not find wet a pleasant sensation and so, he was not in the best mood when Chuck finally showed up. After the mandatory 'hey, we're related' hug, Chuck helped Rodney pile all of his bags into the back of truck and throw a tarp over the bed – which, incidentally, Rodney thought was kind of stupid since the truck bed was wet to begin with and so were his bags.

They made their way home and after an awkward tour of the house, Chuck left Rodney alone. As soon as the door shut, Rodney lunged for his computer bag. It had been hours since he'd been near a wi-fi connection and he needed to check his email! Maybe, just possibly his mother had dumped Steve and he could go home! It turned out to be empty; not even a forward message from one of his friends. Of course, that made perfect sense since Rodney didn't have any friends.

He was a loner. A pale, skinny, sleepy, somewhat sickly-looking loner who spent all his time alone doing solitary things because frankly, who wants to imagine him having a life before this story? Yes, it's much easier this way. No pesky life before Pork n'Beans; no friends, no activities (outside of school – where he was of course, a loner). Just mamma and her boy toys...and the cactuses.

After that, he spent several more hours alone. Then he went to bed, not quite alone because he found a cricket under his pillow. He named it Phil.


The next morning, Lorne, a kid who made Rodney eat mud when they were five, showed up with his dad to drop off a beat-up 1950's Volkswagen Beetle that Chuck had bought for Rodney to drive while he was there - that way Chuck wouldn't have to bother with him so much.

It was pink...and it had wings.

Well, it was a gift, he supposed and it was better than walking (maybe) and he was a loner anyway. He was above such things as respectable, dependable transportation which would make it uphill on a windy day. It was just Washington anyway. How hilly could it be?

While Chuck and Lorne's dad gossiped down at the end of the driveway, Lorne invited Rodney to sit in the driver's seat of his new car so he could show Rodney all its special features and quirks. The guy babbled on and on about the engine and the interior and this and that, yada yada yada, flirting terribly the entire time. Really, it was embarrassing.

Watching the hula dancer swaying on the dashboard in time with the purple, fuzzy dice hanging from the rearview mirror helped though. At least it kept Rodney from laughing at Lorne outright.

Not only was Lorne hopelessly shy and awkward, considering what he was telling Rodney he'd done to the engine, Rodney was going to have to rebuild the whole thing from the ground up.

Finally, after what seemed like the better part of eternity, Lorne and his dad left. Chuck went back to brooding in his chair and Rodney went off to spend some more time alone.


His first day at school was kind of weird. People kept talking to him and touching him. It was totally harshing his style but one of the talkers, a fuzzy haired kid named Radek, had chocolate and liked Star Trek so Rodney decided at least he couldn't be to bad. The others in their group were Miko, Laura, and Bob. Rodney though Bob was a really weird kid (he was the grabby one) but for now, he let it pass.

Maybe he could be a group-person-loner?

Then, it happened. The cafeteria doors whooshed open like magic, the world slowed down and they walked in: Two figures, one tall, burley and male, the other short, exotic and very feminine. Behind them came another boy/girl pairing - one a anorexic girl with dark brown hair and a goofy smile and next to her, a short, constipated-looking boy who refused to meet anyone's eyes. They strode into the room like they owned it, hair perfect and outfits matching like something out of Gucci's dream, right down to the color of their lip gloss.

"Who are they?" Rodney couldn't help but ask.

"Oh," Laura answered, awe clearly sounding in the tone of her voice, "They're the Woolsey's. Doctor Richard Woolsey and his wife's kids. They're all adopted and like, dating each other and stuff."

"Wow," Rodney said, raising an eyebrow in surprise, "that's ... really incestuous of them."

"Oh, no!" Miko broke in, "Even if they are all brothers and sisters they're not related by blood're right, that really is rather incestuous of them."

As Miko drifted off, ducking her head in embarrassment, the doors whooshed open again and then he was there, slouching against its door frame, messy hair stiff and unmoving in the breeze, and a fuck-me smirk creasing his oh-so-luscious lips. Every head in the room turned to watch as Mysterious Hot Guy lifted away from door frame and sauntered across the room; hips swaying to show off the way the low-slung waist of his jeans accentuated the perfect curve of his ass. When he reached the Woolsey's table, he practically poured himself into a seat next to the big guy, pulled out a copy of War and Peace and proceeded to ignore everyone and everything around him.

Rodney knew he was staring but he didn't care. The guy was seriously hot! "Who," he demanded, "is that?!"

Beside him, Laura moaned and licked her lips suggestively. "That," she purred, "is John Woolsey, the sexiest, most mysterious, brooding hunk in school."

"He could fuck me any day," Miko whispered, nodding her head in agreement.

"Honestly I don't see what's so special about him," Radek growled, subtly scooting his chair closer to Miko's.

After lunch was Biology Lab. Rodney hurried off his locker to get his notebook and a new set of pencils to mutilate the tables with and ran into Bob again. Their lockers were apparently right next to each other and while Rodney searched through the mound of books and ridiculous class outlines teacher's obsessively handed out at the beginning of each school semester, Bob stood there chatting away beside him, occasionally reaching one long-fingered hand out to pet Rodney's arm. It was beyond creepy. Rodney got away as soon as he could, practically jogged to class and ended up arriving several minutes before the bell.

He checked the laminated seating chart lying on the teacher's desk for his assigned seat then, finding his designated post, went to put down his supplies.

Apparently, some people liked arriving in class even earlier than he did because his lab partner was already there. It was the super hot guy, John Woolsey. Rodney couldn't believe his luck!

Smiling flirtatiously, Rodney sat down and began arranging his notebook and pencils at the best possible level efficiency. Beside him John was breathing heavily, deep panting gasps that made his toned chest rise and fall in the most distracting way and he was staring at Rodney with an intensity that ....well, kind of turned Rodney on actually. John must be as sex starved as he was, he decided.

There was no doubt in Rodney's mind that John was gay. With hair like that how could he not be? So, Rodney decided to go for it. He turned to John, intending to ask him if he'd like to go somewhere but John beat him to the punch,

"You really smell," he told Rodney firmly, still breathing heavily. "I have to go now. Bye."

Then he was gone, leaving Rodney sitting there, cock hard in his pants, slightly embarrassed and completely baffled by John's strange behavior. Cautiously, he lifted one arm to carefully sniff at his armpit.

He didn't smell that bad!