Summary: The obligatory trinity fic. Carson find Rodney depressed on a balcony. Slash follows.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I was thinking about the stars, when I was reading another fanfic (Making Inroads, in the Mission Impossible series by DangerMouse, which I heartily recommend btw, in fact I recommend all of DM's stuff), because SG1 were talking about what the stars mean to them. And a stray thought attacked and I thought about how most stars that we see at night aren't there anymore. And I just got this image of Rodney looking up from a balcony in Atlantis after the Arcturus disaster.
I thought I'd find him out here. It's become a bit of an Atlantis cliché. When something goes wrong, run to the balcony.
"Rodney, mind if I join you?" He just waves a hand, staring at the sky. There's an empty bottle at his feet and a half full one in his other hand.
"Look." He points at the sky.
"That one there, Carson. That star. That's the one where Duranda was. All gone now." He giggles and takes a swig. I lower myself to the ground beside him. "I can almost pretend it never happened, because, look! It's still there!"
"Rodney. It wasn't your fault."
"Yes it was. I know that. I accept it. I've apologised for it. What I don't get is whenever I pull off a miracle, it's ignored completely. Just an everyday occurrence. But when I fail? Everybody has a fucking opinion." He swallows another mouthful and I tentatively put my hand on his back.
"I know you didn't do this out of spite or arrogance. You were trying to save everyone."
"That's right. John woke up the Wraith and now everyone looks to me to save the day. No matter what, people expect me to find the answer. I haven't slept through the night since coming here. I just wanted... if it had worked then it could have... it would have..."
"I know. I know." I hate this. He really tries his hardest, bless the man.
"And Collins was dead. Do you know how many people have died? And it's all my fault. They're my responsibility. I'm the smart one. I should be able to save us, shouldn't I?"
"Elizabeth's the one in charge, and Sheppard."
"Yes. I know that Carson. But, with great brains comes great responsibility." I snort at that and get a sad half smile in return.
"Aye, Uncle Ben. I know that. But the average IQ in Atlantis is massive. We all have 'Great Brains' as you put it. It's everyone's responsibility." I think for a moment. "Was I responsible for Hoff, because I was intelligent enough to create the virus, and not smart enough to know what they'd do with it?"
"God, Carson, no!" He turns to face me, which is a good thing. "You were just trying to help, to do the right thing."
"Aye, and so were you. You were trying to save us all. And they have no right to go off on you for failing. You're right, they don't praise you when you succeed, so what right do they have to do the opposite?"
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions, Carson. And I wasn't very... there's a word. I can't think of it." He frowns and takes another sip from the bottle. Crap. He's drunker than I thought. I frown at him, but he just has another mouthful. "Anyway, I was kind of mean is what I mean. I think. No, I know I was mean, but I think it's what I mean." He frowns, confused. I gently take the bottle away from him.
"I doubt this is helping matters, love." Crap. Bugger, bloody hell and Bollucks. I didn't mean to say that.
"Did you just call me love?" He says, trying to get the bottle back with a distinct lack of coordination.
"Aye, I did." Why is my mouth suddenly dry? I take a swig from the confiscated bottle and almost gag. It's strong stuff. I wonder whose still it was made on? Usually, I'd guess Radek's, but I don't think he's likely tp be talking to Rodney tonight, let alone giving him alcohol.
"Because..." moment of truth. Can I tell him? "Because you look so damn sad. And I... care about you." He considers this for a second and then leans forward and kisses me, hard. Sadly, he misses my mouth.
"I don't want to be alone tonight, Carson." He looks up at me and his eyes are full of tears. I'll get him to bed, take care of him but I won't take advantage of him. Not when he's in this state.
I slept on the sofa and he had the bed. He kept trying to jump me, feeling me up. I'm not sure if I want him to remember or not. As much as I love him, as much as I want him, the daft git just wanted some human contact last night. He'd probably have tried to shag anyone who offered him comfort. I don't want to start something with him when he's this vulnerable. I mean, I love him, and I probably will end up starting something, but it would be nice to know he actually wanted me as well. I don't even know if he's gay or bi or what. I don't want to take advantage. Oh crap. He's waking up. Time to face the music.
He sits up. Still half asleep, he makes his way to the loo to relieve himself. I stand up from my nest on the sofa. He's throwing up. I run in and rub his back gently as he vomits.
"C-Carson?" He asks as he notices me. "You stayed?"
"Of course I did you daft apeth." I say as I hand him a glass of water.
"And we didn't..."
"No. Though not for lack of trying on your part."
"Then... thank you, but I'm fine now." Wonderful. I was afraid of this. He's shutting down on me. I force him to meet my eyes.
"Rodney, love, I care a great deal about you, but what sort of a man do you think I am? Do you honestly think I'd take advantage of you in the condition you were in last night?" He has the decency to blush.
"Sorry. No." He looked down at his hands.
"Look, I wanted to do more, and some of what you were doing was making it damn hard to say no. But, I know how vulnerable you are right now."
"That just means I want you more!" He says, jerking his head up. "OW! Sudden movements make the drummer in my head mad." He pouts at me, puppy dog eyes and all.
"Come on, lad. Let's get you to the infirmary. I'll hook you to an IV. Don't expect this every time you're stupid enough to get drunk." I warn as I help him to his feet. I sling his arm over my shoulders as we make our way there. "I'll tell Elizabeth that you won't be in."
"No need. Barring an emergency, I'm grounded for the next three days. No work, no play. My room, mess or infirmary."
Bugger. The thing is, most people wouldn't mind being kept off work for three days, but for Rodney, it's a big punishment. And the ironic thing is that something will probably happen that will force him back into work, and end with him saving us all yet again. But I doubt anyone will notice, whereas this failure will probably be mentioned for years to come. I notice as we move along the corridors that no one will look at us. Although, a few have pointed, and I've heard some whispers. It's not going to be a fun time for Rodney.
"Carson?" He says as I get him into bed (the man is infuriating, this is the second bed I've helped him into since I slipped and called him 'Love', and neither of them involve getting naked!).
"Thanks for this."
"No worries, lo-Rodney."
I'm going to have to watch my propensity for pet names whilst in the work place.
He soon drifted off with the sedatives I fed into the iv, and I left strict instructions not to disturb him. I need to go talk to Elizabeth. Ask what the bloody hell she thinks she's doing. That poor man is nearly broken, and instead of support, he gets punishment.