If you were to ask me if I was human, I'd say no, even though I did look human. No, I'm not human. Thank you for your consideration. That's how far my self-problems got. I didn't even think I was human. I am an orphan, dropped off in an orphanage in Ottawa. I was never the popular one, or the funny one. Actually, I didn't even speak much anymore. I didn't want people to take the things I say to someone else. I pretty much gave up on friends after 9th grade.
You really don't want to know about my life story. Oh, you do? Ok then.
Well, it started with a few words. I met this girl who seemed to be in the middle of everything in the school. We got pretty close. Or, at least, she pretended to be close.
Anyways, she got me to spill some secrets. Like who I had a crush on, whom I hated and what I thought of myself. I told her I had a theory of me being different. Like, different species different. At this point, we were very close. I'm sure you can guess what happened next. Not only did she tell everyone my secrets, she told the people I hated that I thought they were bitches, sluts, or something along the line of that, and she also told everyone about my theory. As if being called an alien and a freak for four years wasn't enough, she told my crush's current girlfriend that he was cheating on her with me. And then she confronted her boyfriend, then me, and not only did she and her friends hate me, but the guy and his friends hated me.
Now they had a more colorful vocabulary of insults. They now called me slut, whore, easy; tramp, and anything along the line of that, and now everyone in the school hated me. Even the teachers. But the principle was on my side. See, I have a very particular temper, so any time someone really pisses me off, I go ballistic. And the principal knows me. I get the best grades and all, but I keep getting into fights.
So yeah, they also called me loner, nerd, jerk, geek, and anything like that that I forgot. I've been called it all. It got to a point where they'd see me walking in the hallway and they'd say stuff like 'go cut yourself', or 'go kill yourself', or 'go chug bleach you cunt!'. They'd even put razor blades, Javex and random pills in my locker, somehow, so I could kill myself. I had to throw away my phone because they kept sending me threatening messages. Eventually, I got another phone. But I didn't tell anyone the number.
I had no one to call. I cried at night because my life was a bust and I blamed myself for it. But I kept trying my hardest to try to make something out of my future. I got a PhD in Astrophysics, and was so brilliant the US Air Force asked me to be part of this super secret assignment. They said to not tell anyone. Not my closest of friends? What friends, exactly? I joined, of course. I had a life... Not a fun one, but a life.
Even here, in Atlantis, the fabled lost city, I don't trust anyone. I don't talk to anyone. I just work and stay invisible. At least, I try to. It's hard to be invisible with Colonel Sheppard around, or his friend Teyla.
And Ronon. God, it was hard to stay invisible to Ronon. I wanted him to see me, to say hi, or just to look at me. But I also didn't want him to. I had had very bad past experiences with crushes. I don't want my life to end up like how it was in high school. It was better to be unseen by anyone then to be hated and despised by everyone. I don't think I could live through another high school. It was bad enough the first time...
This evening. I was working with Rodney McKay, the most brilliant of Atlantis. I made a slight error in a calculation, almost causing his face to be brunt off. I remember what he said like it was five minutes ago. "Are you fucking kidding me!?!?!! You almost killed me!! What kind of incompetent fool could mix up this simple equation! How the Hell did you a get a PhD with your brain! You should go back to the freaking dumpster you came from," he said, some parts freaking out, some mumbling under his breath. I tried; I so desperately tried to keep my face emotionless like I always did. It was hard to. My intelligence was the only thing I was confident about. And to have Rodney, the smartest of us all, say that I was an idiot and the I should go back to my sad old life?! I just completely snapped off. There it went, my self-confidence, like paper in the wind. After he left my general area and the eyes were off of me, I quickly got out of the lab and seemed refuge in the nearest empty room for me to wallow in self-hate.
My tears streamed down my cheeks like warm waterfalls. This just made me remember of the four years I tried to forget about. I just couldn't stop crying. I'm so ridiculous. Compared to all these other people, I'm such a baby. Look at me, crying in a corner. This is unacceptable! I'm 24 not two months! I need to start acting like a 24 year old! So what if I was abandoned! So what if I've been lonely all my life! So what if my past experiences have left me paranoid and a sad husk of a human being. I probably should have killed myself when they wanted me to. I wouldn't have to have lived the whole four years plus everything till now of suffering and sadness. The whole strength act is getting old. My life is getting old. When you're this lonely, this happen to you. I can't remember the last time I talked to someone. I should have killed myself...
Suddenly, the doors to the room swooshed open, revealing a familiar face. I completely froze, like a deer in headlights. I knew I needed to disappear, but I'm no magician. I didn't want him seeing me at all. My paranoia sparked like a fire in an oil factory. I was terribly scared that he was going to laugh in my face like everyone else did. Pain bubbled in my stomach as my body refused to move. "Are you ok?" He asked, for once showing emotion on his face. This emotion was concern. True concern. But I didn't trust him. People can act. I didn't want high school to happen again. I looked at him and my self-confidence went from zero to negative a million. "Nikki, are you ok?" He asked, dropping his shoulder bag containing his training gear and be kneeled down next to me. My brain finally went to high gear as I sprung up. "No. I'm fine." I said, trying to control my voice. "What's wrong?" He asked. My eyes started to stream again as I attempted to flee the gym. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back, tightly hugging me. "What's wrong?" He asked, his chin resting on the top of my head. "I-" I tried to resist, but my walls turned to mush. There were too many things happening now. I was sad and depressed like normal, but I was also going crazy in every part in my body because, not only was someone hugging me for the first time in forever, it was Ronon!
I instinctively buried my face in his chest, more tears flowing from my eyes. He held me closer, feeling me sob, and stroked my curly black hair. I finally felt protected, shielded, from what anyone could do. I felt warm and happy. Genuinely happy! This has never happened... Like a happiness to the core. Every microfiber in me was enjoying being safe from people for once. It felt like he could just shield me from my cruel world ad bring me to a fake, drugged happiness.
He let go, lifting my chin, looking into my eyes. Now that he had weakened me, he could get anything he wanted out of me.
"Now, what's wrong?" he asked. I felt like crying again, but tears of joy. He was just so... Sensual. I knew nothing else to do. I looked at him, gathering my energy to talk to him.
"Uh, long story." I said, looking down from his hypnotizing green eyes. I heard him open a com-link.
"Hey, Sheppard? Can we cancel sparring for today? Something came up." He asked to the Colonel, to whit I'm assuming he accepted, since the Satedan was thanking him. "I have time." he said, hugging my waist rather forwardly, but reassuringly.
"Uh... It's a really long story..." I slightly chuckled. He walked me over to a bench, sitting down.
"Start from the beginning," he said. I sat next to him and brought my right knee to my chin. I always did that. I don't know why. "It started long ago. When I was about three weeks old, I was brought to an orphanage in Ottawa, Canada," I said.
"That place where McKay is from?" he asked matter-of-factually.
"Yeah. I always felt... Alien in a crowd. I felt small, powerless, like I didn't matter. I am a naturally nervous and paranoid person. But everything really started in ninth grade. There was this friend; she was like part of the popular clique of girls there. We were close friends; at least I thought we were. She had gotten secrets out of me. The fact that I actually thought I was an alien, the two girls I hated in the school, and the guy I liked... Basically she backstabbed me. Completely backstabbed me. With every stabbing device known to man," I said, trying to hold back the lonely tears of my life.
"First of all, she told the two girls I didn't like that I thought they were bitches and sluts, so their circle of friends despised me, then she told everyone about the fact I really thought I was alien. They called me insane, a freak, a monster, a freak of nature. Then she told the guy I liked's girlfriend that he was cheating on her with me, to whit she despised me, and then her boyfriend found out and hated me and accused me of making up the rumor just so I could be with him."
"After that, things went downhill." He looked like he thought it was done after those few things. Heh.
"Nope! It's not done here..." I looked to the floor. "Then, whenever I'd walk into the hallway, they would insult me, call me anything that was mean, and it got so bad that they told me to kill myself. They'd say that I should start cutting my wrists, that I should hang myself, that I should chug a bunch of bleach and die, ultimately making school 'better for them.' It even got as bad that they'd put razor blades and bleach and even hung a noose in my locker. They even put in some random guy's pain meds so I could take them and overdose. No matter how many times I changed my lock, they'd always get in. And, at least once a day, I would get into a brutal fight between my insulters. I always won, but they found even more things to call me," I said. My tears were quietly sneaking out of my eyes, and fleeing down my cheeks.
"But, no matter how much they wanted me to, I didn't kill myself, or cut myself or do anything. I stayed strong. Because I knew one day, I would do something important. That's why I joined. But I though I was safe here." I paused and looked into his mesmerizing eyes. They were full of shock and concern.
"Just tonight, the reason I'm here is because what someone said." I said, before breaking down. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders.
"It was Rodney. He said I shouldn't be here, just because I made one mistake. He said I should go back to the dump I came from. Among some other choice words," I said, pausing, trying to steady my voice. "I mean, I don't want to live through those four years again. That's why I don't talk to anyone. That's why I'm alone. I don't trust anyone. But when he said that, the one thing I was confident about and Atlantis's smartest was berating it. I just lost... Everything. I have nothing keeping me alive but my strength." I said, burying my head in my hands. "I'm sorry you need to listen to this," I said, my voice filled with pain. "I'll leave." I got up and tried to flee to my solitary room.
"No!" He yelled, his voice buckling. "Don't. Please don't go. You'll hurt yourself." He grabbed my hand. I looked into his eyes. It seemed like they were watering. Ronon, Satedan, a runner himself, feeling so sorry for me that he was crying? Yeah right.
"I don't want you to hurt yourself," he said. "Please." He said, holding me tightly as a tear fell from not only mine, but his eyes. I'm not sure whether he was convincing me I'm safe, or convincing himself that I'm safe...
"Ronon. I don't need you to worry about me. I do enough of it for the whole city." I said, looking down.
"No, Nikki. Look. You have no idea what you mean to me." He said, his voice not animatronic like it usually was. He really seemed worried. "What do you mean? How could I mean anything to anybody? I'm just a sad, depressed stupid woman. Just ignore me." I said.
"No. No. You're not. You don't see yourself for who you really are. You don't see any of your qualities because you are caught up in your flaws," he said, his voice uneven with sadness. I was taken away. Someone cared about me... What? How?...
"You know what? I will name the qualities I see in you. You're fucking amazing how you lived through that, you are beautiful. I mean... I love you," he said and stayed quiet. It took me a while to realize what he said.
"What? How can you fall in love with sad!?!!?? How is that even possible?" I cried. "All you know about me is that I'm sad and what I look like. How can you fall in love with this?" I asked genuinely.
"You can tell a lot about someone by their eyes. Do you really think sad is your personality. There's a whole other you! In here." He moved a stray lock of hair covering my face. "Your eyes make the blue sky look grey and dull. We could be dying and I would be happy just because I can look into your eyes and say I love you one last time." He said. Oh my gosh... My brain was clogged up with possible questions, outcomes and everything.
"What?" I asked, bringing my hands to my face. "I love you. I love you," he said in a strong voice. He slowly inched his head towards mine, until finally our lips touched, resulting in what felt like a lifetime of bliss.
The rest of that whole night, I just stayed up with Ronon in the gym. We would talk, spar, anything. This was just amazing. He cared....
Summary: Nikki Alexiou has always had it hard. Being a scared orphan, she doesn't trust anyone nor want to trust anyone