Author's Notes: This started life as a drabble for the drabble tree and kind of grew into something incredibly silly. Sort of a kind of weird but not quite crossover with Babylon 5. More notes at the end, where they won't give the game away.
Rodney stuck his finger in his ear and wiggled it about. It didn't help. Judging by the look on Sheppard's face, he'd heard exactly what he feared he'd heard. He couldn't help but ask again, though. It was like poking at a sore tooth or sticking your finger in the light socket, just to make sure that electricity worked the way you'd been told.
"They want what to trade?"
Sheppard looked even more embarrassed. "They want... anunderstandingofhumanreproduction."
Yes. That's what he'd thought the Colonel had said.
"You did explain to them that we are both male, right?"
Sheppard's look of embarrassment took on a tint of irritation. "They don't really get it at all, Rodney, and it's not like I can ask Teyla..." He gestured over towards Teyla, who was watching them with a distinct 'I will kick your respective posteriors' look on her face.
He could hardly blame her. He wasn't any more happy at the Colonel getting them into this mess. His own contribution, regardless of what the Colonel (and Teyla) might believe, was extremely minimal.
He pinched his nose and sighed. "Maybe we could fake it. Go into the hut for a bit and come out look smug and satisfied. Shouldn't be difficult for you. It's your normal mode of expression, after all."
Sheppard scowled at him. "Not helping, McKay. Not helping at all."
"Oh please." He let the words drip from his tongue, imbued with as much self-righteous contempt as he could muster - which was a lot. "Helping? May I remind you exactly who it was who got us into this fine mess? You and your 'we'll just take a walk and have a wander'."
"It wasn't like I knew they were going to interpret that as..."
"As what precisely?"
Sheppard's look grew even more embarrassed, his complexion growing so red now that if it had been anyone else (like himself) he'd have marched them straight off to Beckett and his voodoo to check for an imminent stroke. "Alone time."
"... Alone time." He didn't have to muster anything this time - the contempt came all on its own. "They actually thought that you and I had snuck off," he gestured wildly in the direction of the Osterrans, "for a little bit of nookie in the corn fie-" He stopped abruptly, arm halfway in the air. "Are they... mauve now? They weren't mauve before. Why are they mauve... oh my God. Someone please tell me that's embarrassment and nothing else. They're blushing, right? It's not some weird alien sign of arousal."
"Rodney," Sheppard hissed, which was rather impressive. He'd not known that it was possible to actually hiss his name before, but somehow Sheppard was managing it. "Will you keep your voice down and not offend the nice very, very alien race who are just a little too curious about us." He stopped growling at Rodney and smiled towards their hosts a little nervously, his fingers pinching into the fleshy part of Rodney's arm.
"Oh, God. Now you're flirting with them. And also, ow!"
Apparently it was possible for Sheppard to grow even more red. And to pinch harder.
"Okay, okay. You, me, hut, now. And prepare to make a lot of noise. I'm not having anyone think I'm not giving you the time of your life."
Sheppard cleared his throat ominously. "There's something else." Of course there was. "They want to watch."
He made a decision. "Colonel, I think it's time you came out of the closet."
It was almost worth the whole mess for the way Sheppard's eyes bugged out and he cast frantic looks in Lorne's direction to see if he'd overheard. He didn't deny it though, which was... interesting. And also, still, ow!
He snorted, tugging his arm free and making a mental note to have Beckett check him for subcutaneous bruising. And to prepare the really big needle for Sheppard. "Relax, Colonel. Not that closet. I was referring to your other tendencies. You did watch Babylon 5, right?"
Sheppard's look grew positively shifty. "What? Why would you...? I don't... didn't..." Rodney merely smirked and Sheppard's shoulders slumped in defeat. "Well... Ivanova was hot!" he protested weakly.
"Yes, yes, Ivanova was hot and you are definitely a red blooded American male and not a geek. Precisely." He cast a considering look towards their hosts, whose appendages had returned to their normal blue colour and were waving what looked like hopefully (and not a little lecherously) in the breeze. "Not a clue about human reproduction, right?"
The light finally dawned in Sheppard's eyes. Hallelujah. Ivanova might be God, but he was damned sure that these days he could give her a run for her money. As long as he had the really big weaponry and, oh crap, he was starting to think like Sheppard.
He raised his hands above his head and gestured with them, glaring in Sheppard's direction until he followed suit, rather reluctantly and still bright red. With any luck the Osterrans would read that as the human equivalent of mauve.
Well, if he was going to do this he was damned well going to enjoy it and hope that no one reached for a video camera. At least not to film him.
Sheppard gave him a wan smile.
"One... two... three...
"Boom shaka laka!"
Notes: There's a scene in an ep of Bab5, where Ivanova is trying to convince two alien delegates that they want to enter into a trade agreement with Babylon 5. She convinces them but to cement the deal they have to have sex.
She's horrified at first, until she realises that they don't know what human sex involves. So she does the Boom-shaka-laka dance around the lead male and then asks if it was good for him.
Hee. Got to love me some Ivanova. No boom today. But there's always a Boom Tomorrow.