AN: Originally written for 1 Bdr Ocn Vu
John rolled his eyes as he slid down the wall, the utter darkness surrounding him as his ass hit the floor. The only indication that someone was in the room with him was the sound of pacing coming from a few feet away, the constant tattoo punctuated by the occasional grumbling sigh.
Step, step, step, step, pivot. Step, step, step, step, pivot. *Sigh* Step, step, step, step, pivot. Step, step, step-
"McKay!" John snapped finally. "Will you just sit down?"
A small huff of air came from the darkness followed by the sound of more footsteps, this time getting closer to where John was sitting.
"Major? Where are yo-- oof!"
John just managed to stifle the yelp as McKay's foot connected with his shin. Jerking his leg away, he leaned down and rubbed his fingers over the spot McKay had kicked. A hand landed on his shoulder as the other man carefully lowered himself to the ground.
"Is it safe to sit here? I mean I'm assuming it must be since you're still here and not complaining."
John felt McKay settle down next to him, arms pressed against each other and the body heat from the scientist seeping through John's t-shirt. It was as warm inside the room as it was outside, and John was beginning to regret leaving his pack and jacket, and more importantly his flashlight, outside with Ford and Teyla when McKay had called him in. Granted, they'd already been through the most of the labs and checked there was nothing there before they let McKay loose on them, but still, it would have been nice to be able to see.
Leaning his head back against the wall John closed his eyes, the action making no difference to the blackness. The silence was broken after only a few seconds by shuffling sounds coming from McKay.
"You know," the voice reached John through the dark, "the next time someone asks you to touch something, Major, do me a favour and don't."
John opened his eyes, the futility of looking in McKay's direction not hitting him until after he'd already done so. "How was I to know it was going to seal the room?" After all, it was hardly as though there'd been signs telling them to keep off the wall.
"Well maybe if you'd thought about it instead of sweeping in, fingers flying."
"I think you're forgetting just who asked me to touch the panel in the first place, McKay."
'Major, touch this.' 'Major, prod that.' 'Major, I think I know what this does.' And then finally, 'Oh god, we're stuck, we're going to die!' Something in the sealed room seemed to be jamming their radios, but Ford had yelled through the door that both Zelenka and Beckett were on their way to get them out. All John had to do now was survive the next hour or so in a locked, pitch-black room with Rodney McKay. He could do that.
"Well, if you hadn't chosen that moment to actually start listening when I ask you things, it wouldn't be a problem!" McKay said, sarcasm lacing every word.
John bit his tongue to stop himself from replying, hoping that Carson and Zelenka would get there soon.
"What do you mean 'It won't open?'" McKay yelled through the door. "Just get Carson to press the panel! What's so difficult about that?"
"We tried that," the muffled reply came via an obviously long-suffering Czech accent. "It didn't work."
McKay was silent for a moment. "Is he pressing the right panel? It's the little hexagonal one on the left."
"I'm sure Ford's already told him that," John said, knowing that was the first thing the lieutenant would have told Beckett as soon as he arrived. Just then Carson's brogue added to the mix of voices shouting back and forth through the door
"I'm pressing the right bloody panel, Rodney! It's the same panel Ford told me about."
John didn't say 'I told you so.'
"It's the same panel you've been telling me to press for the last five minutes. It didn't work the first time and it's not working now!"
"We'll have to get one of the others down. We may have to take the door off," Zelenka said.
There was silence on the other side of the door and for a moment John imagined the group outside trying to work out whether it was worth leaving McKay stuck before Zelenka's voice returned.
"Dr Davison is on his way. About 20 minutes."
McKay sighed as he made his way back over, this time managing to locate John with his hands before kicking him again.
"I suppose playing 'I Spy' is out of the question," McKay commented.
John was tempted to wave his hand around, even if he couldn't see it. "The game probably wouldn't last very long if we did." Once you'd gone for 'black,' 'very black,' 'pitch black' and 'oh, is that some black I see before me?' you were pretty much done.
"We can't just sit here."
John didn't correct him. The whirling impatience of Dr Rodney McKay couldn't just sit there. John, on the other hand, was quite content to let the people who knew what they were doing get on with the business of getting them out. "What do you suggest we do?"
"I don't know, Major. What do you normally do when you're alone in a dark room with someone?"
McKay stopped suddenly, and John was almost sure he could see the flush coming from the other man's face.
"I hope Davison gets here soon," McKay said carefully, as he shifted ever so slightly further away from John.
John cast a thoughtful look over in McKay's direction, all too aware that the other man couldn't see him. McKay might want Davison to get there as quickly as he could, but John was starting to think it might just be more interesting if the engineer took his time.
"I'm cursed," Rodney said, the dull thud indicating his head had just hit the wall behind them. "That's the only explanation."
John tried to stop the smile from coming to his face, and then remembered that Rodney couldn't see him, and just grinned.
Davison had arrived and managed to remove the panel to the door. And then told them he'd need at least an hour to sort out exactly how to get them out of there. A whole hour, with the two of them stuck in a darkened room. John's grin got wider as his hand reached out to where he knew Rodney was sitting.
Rodney stilled suddenly as John's fingers reached him, before jumping away.
"Something tried to get under me!" Rodney said, panic lacing his tone. "Oh god, that's why this place was closed off. It's some sort of Ancient holding cell, containing all sorts of things I don't want to think about. You probably let them out when you sealed the room."
John ignored the assumption of blame. "McKay, there's nothing here."
"Yes, there is. There's something here and it was trying to get under my ass, probably in order to eat me."
"And it decided to start with the most padded area?" John said drolly.
"This isn't funny!" John could almost feel the heat of Rodney's glare through the darkness, as the sound of rustling material reached him. "It probably injected me with some sort of numbing agent, ready to suck out my liquefying flesh and chow down!"
"McKay, it wasn't anything trying to eat you." John said, trying to ignore the mental image of Rodney sliding a hand inside his trousers to check his ass that had stuck in his head. John's brain wasn't playing, though. Instead of disappearing from John's mind, Mental-Rodney slid a second hand into his trousers and started rubbing at his ass, throwing an inviting look over his shoulder that John had never seen Real-Rodney aim at anyone who wasn't holding coffee.
"And how do you know?" Rodney's demand snapped John back to reality, and he pulled his hand back, sticking it under a thigh to stop it from reaching out for the asses of imaginary astrophysicists who were all but sending out an engraved invitation asking him to cop a feel.
Rodney carried on, blatantly unaware of the danger the ass of his illusionary counterpart had been in. "Have you suddenly developed the ability to see in the dark? You can't know that! Right at this very moment there could be things sitting on the walls, all mandibles and proboscis, ready to suck at a moment's notice!"
"Maybe it's related to the Wraith, and it'll just keep on sucking until I'm a husk."
John's pants got tighter at the thought of Rodney McKay and sucking.
"Suck, suck, suck!"
"McKay, it was my hand!" At this point John would have admitted to being the second gunman on the grassy knoll as long as it got Rodney to stop saying 'suck'.
There was a pause as the area John thought Rodney was standing in went unnaturally quiet before, "Your hand?"
John sighed. "Yes, my hand."
"And why, pray tell, was your hand sliding under my ass?" Rodney's voice was calm and controlled. This was not going the way it was meant to.
John pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling the headache threatening behind his eyes. "Have you never had anyone try to seduce you before?"
This time the pause was noticeably longer.
"And there's only the two of us in here," John pointed out reasonably. "What else did you think was happening?"
A cut-off splutter reached John's ears. "Okay, first thing, my mind didn't think 'there's something groping my ass, it must be Sheppard trying to seduce me' because you've never in the past shown the slightest inclination of being interested in any sort of seducing that involved me. And secondly, what on earth made you think that sitting in a sealed, pitch-black room was the perfect scenario for trying to get into my pants?"
"It seemed like a good idea at the time," John tried.
"So did trading with Genii, and we both know how that turned out," McKay said dryly.
"You're comparing me making a pass at you with the attempted take-over of Atlantis by a bunch of military crack heads? Jesus, Rodney, if you're not interested just say so." Because John could take rejection. He'd rather not, but if it came down to it, he'd survive. Even without the great sex he was sure he and Rodney could have.
There was the sound of soft footfalls, and then, "I never said I wasn't interested, Major," murmured much closer to John's ear than he'd expected.
John turned his head slowly, the warm breath ghosting over his face the only indication Rodney was there. His hand reached up, fingertips fumbling slightly in the dark before they touched Rodney's cheek. Rodney's skin was almost smooth under his touch, with only the hint of roughness. He felt Rodney move, and then lips were pressed against his.
Rodney's hand wrapped around John's arm as his lips opened, tongue darting out. Opening his mouth, John's fingers moved to the back of Rodney's neck, carding through the hair they encountered.
The hand on his arm squeezed, and John felt himself being pushed back. The fingers on Rodney's neck tightened their hold as the two of them started to shift down towards the floor, John unwilling to loose the contact between Rodney's lips and his own.
John was just about to slide his other hand under Rodney's shirt when the first click and hiss reached them. Jerking back just in time to see the door open and the lights come on, John squinted against the sudden onslaught of brightness as Rodney scrambled away from him.
"Major Sheppard, Dr McKay," Zelenka said, as he stepped into the now open room. "Apologies it took so long. Circuitry was very difficult."
Ford glanced inside, peering around the room as John and Rodney both got to their feet, dusting themselves down and trying to look like they hadn't just their tongues down each other's throats. "Did anything happen while you were in here?"
"No," John answered, hoping the word wasn't too quick to leave his lips. "It was-"
"Boring," supplied Rodney. "Me, Sheppard, utter darkness. So very, very boring."
"I still want to see both of you in the infirmary," Beckett commented as they walked out of their prison.
"Carson, we were stuck in a locked room. Hardly something that necessitates being checked over," pointed out Rodney.
"Just to be on the safe side." Beckett just looked at Rodney, until he rolled his eyes and shrugged.
"Fine. Take us and carry out your voodoo medicine."
Beckett raised an eyebrow. "At this point I'd like to remind you that you have a physical coming up, and I still have a great supply of very large needles."
Rodney ignored Beckett's comment. "How long will you need us for?"
"Just some quick scans," the doctor replied. "You'll both be out of there within 30 minutes. Why?"
"No reason." Rodney looked back at John and smiled. "I've just got something in my quarters I think Major Sheppard will want to see." Turning back to Beckett, Rodney started to walk away, hands gesturing wildly as he told Carson about one of the labs they'd found before they'd been locked away.
John grinned as his eyes dropped to McKay's ass. Infirmary, check-up, McKay's quarters, nakedness, great sex. The grin got wider as John shouldered his pack.
"Major?" Ford looked at him with some concern. "Are you all right, sir?"
"Never better, Lieutenant," John replied as he started to follow the others. "Never better."
Summary: "I don't know, Major. What do you normally do when you're alone in a dark room with someone?"